i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
