Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
