Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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