Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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