i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
