New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
All I want is dick and wine.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
