our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
