turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
How naked do you want me to be?
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