Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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