This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
