Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
