We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
