FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
