Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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