you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
