Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
