a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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