Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
