On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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