It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
