please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
