Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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