There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
