He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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