dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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