I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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