I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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