I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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