mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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