Just fell off a train. Bad.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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