i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
