8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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