Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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