it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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