And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
