I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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