I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You may now shotgun with the bride
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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