I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
