I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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