What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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