someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
