I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize