What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
