Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
