What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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