I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
