I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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