I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
