Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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