Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
