The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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