ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
