you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
